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There is no title for this   
03:56am 01/12/2011
  Degraded and decaying, my heart sloshes feculent blood throughout my shaky and failing limbs. Muscles twitch and clench - my face contorts uncontrollably, a pathway in my brain is being destroyed. Memories and experience are slowly being eaten away. My consciousness stands fleetingly on the edge of madness. I have felt a terror that I would wish on no living being. I have lapped up the putrid and ground the grit that is crushing depression. I have become my disease or maybe, my disease has become me.

It's too late now, the memories of healthiness are nothing but smoldering embers of a past life. Treatment is impossible when every drug brings unbelievable pain and suffering. I am not strong enough and frankly, I know of nobody who could possibly endure.

Why am I still here? What is life when every day is torment and pain? I wanted to be so much more than you have allowed me to become. I had so many dreams to live. From the age of 14 I had decided that my aim in life was to help all those I could, to be of service to humanity. You murdered that young boy and I accept defeat.
 
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This was my saved draft from a year ago.   
03:39am 01/12/2011
  Years ago you wrote on a scrap of paper than I still hang onto: "This winter will be long and ones that I relate to will follow." I found it buried in a box of memories, filled with the times when we were closest. A box that was too painful for me to rummage through when you were still alive. The letter ended with a promise that you will always keep your promises.  
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Ho lordy   
02:45am 03/12/2009
 
mood: blah
In terms of updating this beast regularly I'm an abysmal failure. I've really not felt the need to write about myself nor have I found any causes to announce to the small world that is my livejournal community.

My mind has been driving me nuts lately, when it's not repeating the same damned song over and over and over it's pestering me to find some sort of meaning in life BEFORE I DIE A MISERABLE DEATH THAT IS SURELY COMING QUICKLY! I don't know how to approach it, my doctor and case worker scream therapy and I think I'll probably take them up on it. Perhaps I can see my old therapist, even though she's about 10 miles away from where I am now... Transportation is a different game than it used to be.

Sick of being sick and typing that I'm sick of being sick. I've been to the emergency room far too many times in the past year and so. Every drug I take has some unforeseen terror lurking in the side effects department. The dystonic reaction was by far the worst of the lot but the strange muscle lock ups from the Ativan was not only unexpected (since I've taken it just months ago without hitch) but horribly disappointing. I have terrible panic attacks that are constant and keep me up literally for days and my only chance at some sort of respite fails me. Slowly but faster than many others, my body and mind are failing me year to year. My once foggy head now electric with insanity, gut wrenching thoughts, terrifying urges, music that plays continuously and depression from no longer being the person I used to be. I truly miss him.

There have been good times lately but they are quickly mooted by my own mistakes and insatiable desires.

I'd give anything to know there was something to all of this, to have some sort of proof that we truly are spiritual beings but after being ill and having come to grips with my mortality all I can truly believe in is that we are simply bags made of flesh running complex programs through electric charges and chemicals. My younger self used to fervently believe in more spiritual concepts and now I can only shake my head and hardly believe how truly naive I was.

Thank god for all the wonderful friends and support I've had lately. I don't think I've been in contact so adamantly with people in a long time. It is all of you and love that I truly live for.

Much love to everybody and take care.
 
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Oh, dear god, what monsters you can craft in the muddle.   
01:15am 10/08/2009
   Like the lights in a crowded house, I watched the filament burn out and ran frenzied in the darkness. I slid my tongue into the feculent, writhing  mouth of insanity and felt the vomit course between frantic gasps of air.

This is the way we lose our minds.
 
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Something to help   
08:02pm 27/06/2009
  If you want to know more how to support the cyberwar in Iran, follow this link
 
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Atrocities in Iran   
12:23am 26/06/2009
 
mood: worried
No doubt you've heard of the mass protests going down in Iran, the shocking brutality and strife. At a loss of what I can possibly do to help, I've decided to put on here some of the things I've seen that have moved me, disturbed me and made me sob for these poor human souls.

Twitter posts from the first week.

Moving Photos of protesters.

I warn you, this is harsh reality and it is extremely graphic.



Be strong Iranians, the world is watching you.
 
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04:36pm 14/04/2009
 

 
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Perseverance   
05:55am 14/04/2009
 
mood: contemplative
I am still breathing, I can still stand on these two legs. My heart, although shaky, continues to beat. I have my love and I have a place to sleep. I have my support and people who truly care for me.

There is strength to be found in every vicious experience.

 Although weak, I have been strong enough to weather the past 5 years of this disease. I have tried since my diagnosis to find a cure, to find something that will at least stave the downfall of my health. Failure is vicious when it leads to more symptoms, more pain.

I will fight this until I exhale my last breath, with thoughts of love and no more pain.

We must always move forward.
 
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07:42am 12/04/2009
  There's a song for every pain.  
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All in good time squire.   
05:25am 08/04/2009
  I will never have children.

I cannot fathom the irresponsibility involved in breeding when one is aware of their genetic illness.

Genetic engineering in humans, while with its moral dilemmas, I fully support. If my parents would have known I would be born with defective harmful genes, I imagine they would have mended them. It is the next step in human development and indeed, unescapable.

It's a shame I was born so many years earlier.
 
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Hmmm   
05:53pm 05/04/2009
  I'm not sure if I'm getting better however I have been able to sleep roughly every night. Some nights are still better than others.

I've been taking a supplement called D-ribbose, it's the D in DNA. At the moment it just makes me feel woozy and hypoglycemic but I'll continue to try it out for the next three weeks.

Last night I had a dream that I died.
 
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Holy Christ   
01:43am 30/03/2009
 


This is everything I've ever wanted in Industrial music. Their name is S.A.M (Synthetic Adrenaline Music) check them out HERE
 
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O Fortuna crazy style.   
12:42am 29/03/2009
 

 
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No rest for the wicked   
12:36am 29/03/2009
 
mood: desperate
It has been about 36 hours now on 2 hours of sleep at best. I'm starting to become extremely anxious and having horrible heart palpitations like I was before. On top of all of this, I started to have some pretty vicious gasto problems.  I have no idea what on earth I can do. I don't have insurance at the moment so going to the ER again just so I can renew my script isn't going to cut it.  Although if I'm awake for three days like I was before I may be forced to...

I'm dealing with numbness in my left cheek right now, it's really disconcerting and making my anxiety worse. Although it could simply be caused by said anxiety, not knowing what's wrong with you when you having nueropathic symptoms is never fun.

I'm going to try and take a bath, drink a ton of water and keep doing EFT tapping to ease the anxiety.



I just want this to stop....
 
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The head   
02:36pm 27/03/2009
 
mood: anxious
I am now officially out of Ativan and the heart issues have not stopped. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get to sleep tonight but fretting about it is certainly not the right thing to do. I think perhaps I'll try a bit of melatonin although that stuff has always made me trip out.

I have an anxiety hand-out that my therapist gave me. I've yet to read it but hopefully there are some exercises I can try to help my frayed nerves relax.

There isn't much to say, last night was miserable, I didn't get to sleep until 6:00am and I'm pretty worn down, tired and anxious.
 
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We want your soul!   
01:25am 27/03/2009
 
mood: tired


 
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New idea.   
05:32am 25/03/2009
 
mood: INSOMNIA
I think I'll pull a youtube video out of my favorites everyday and post it up.

Kate Bush & David Gilmour - Running Up That Hill live 1987






 
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Day after day   
07:42pm 24/03/2009
 
mood: sick
Today at the advice of my therapist I have started keeping tabs on my anxiety. This turns out to be a lot more work that I had imagined as I'm fucking anxious all the god damn time. However I'll do what she tells me to do in hopes that this malady fades whence it came.

I'm afraid of what I'm going to do when the Ativan runs out. Last night I tried desperately to sleep without it but I couldn't.  My mind kept sending the weird shocks to my heart and left arm of which for some odd reason Ativan completely gets rid of and allows me to sleep. Now, you can ask anybody who knows me, drugs and I don't get along and I don't care to try. I don't want to be stuck on Ativan to be able to sleep but insomnia is a vicious beast and I'll have to form a sort of truce with it for now...

Today I called the Physicians Center for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia, after having looked into them for the past couple of months. They boast a good track record and the main physician is legit. They said they'll call me back soon with more information. Along with the call to the CFS place, I called workforce services to try and get a handle on my state benefits but they had 50 some odd people in queue so I was forced to leave a message.

The medical bills are piling up and I'm not quite sure what I'll do if I'm denied medicaid...

In lighter terms, I've been playing Eve online. Which is ridiculous in every way but since I've become so dissatisfied with WoW, it's a nice new face.

Cherise also bought me a PSP as a present, which was amazingly wonderful of her. I've been playing with it nonstop.
 
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My Rite of Consumption   
06:21am 15/02/2009
  Soon I'll be the insect
waiting to bite
down
on the vein
were warmth was slowly
drowned out.

Watch how quickly the love
will spill
from the broken tissue of the moments we held

all those ugly lies
will swim to the surface
A torrent of poison
therein lies the purpose

of
a broken boy so viciously
fervent
to darken any light that
shines
lovingly
perfect.
 
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Hooray   
02:47pm 31/01/2009
 
mood: Sigh
So they tell me I am purely obsessional OCD. It makes sense, what with the constantly living in situations, violent perverse thoughts and the music repeating in my head 24/7.

I've known this before they diagnosed me but I don't like to tell people what I have before a "professional" signs the record.

So, imagine this. There's an asshole, he lives in your head. He gets his kicks and jives by showing you the most horrifying pictures and movies all day. Usually they involve the people you love. In my case, they involve Cherise, my friends and my family.

I go on a lot of time warps. I see things in the past, relive them like they exist now. Stranger still, I see horrifying things from other peoples past (If they've told me about them, I'm not psychic) and relive them. These ones disturb me the most.

Jealousy is fervent in my life right now. It takes me awhile to pull my shit together and realize "Hey, this isn't really happening right now." For example, you know your love has had a sexual life (As we all should) but in my head it happens and I see her with this other person.

So what do you do?

SSRI's tend to work but only in massive dossages, which is not going to slide with my CFS and severe chemical sensitivities. So I have BEHAVIORAL THERAPIES. Things such as NLP, retraining the amygdala and EFT.

Some have worked better than others for me, however it has only been about a month with one and a few weeks with others. Knowing the physiology of what is going on in your head is very important when you have OCD and want to diminish it. In my instance I was able to cut back a lot of the more violent thoughts by using a combination of exposure to the violent thoughts and retraining myself to control the thoughts via the amygdala training by Ashok Gupta.

The social worker says I'm going to be "A dream to work with." because apparently I know what I want and I seem to have a good grasp on what is bothering me inside.

The moral of this story. Don't let yourself get too stressed out my friends. It can put you in places you'd never ever thought possible. I've managed to traumatize myself with worry and have lived days with constant panic.
 
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